girl.in.the.green.shoes

The man I’ve been seeing is leaving.

He accepted a job in Albany, NY and begins the 4th of May. He has a Uhaul booked and his apartment set up for May 1st.

I encouraged him to accept the job. I knew it would be hard to see him go, but I had confidence that he would love finally being on his own, in his chosen field. I know he doesn’t want to leave the city, but I am excited for him to start this chapter in his life.

I did not expect to get so emotional and torn up inside.

He wants me to go with him. Not right away, but after he gets settled. He offered to fly me out for interviews and to help me move.

I want to go, I really do. But I also think it would be a big mistake.

Everything has changed since he accepted the position. He’s been stressed and disconnected (that’s been my territory so far). We agreed to stop going out so much so he can save money (though we did blow through some bookstores last weekend). We truly have to be responsible adults. Reality is hitting us hard.

We’ve known each other for 8 years. We’ve been casually dating since mid-November. We have had our ups and downs. I get grumpy and emotional; I like my space and I’m very independent. I don’t really want to commit to a relationship. I don’t know if I could handle living with him and being dependent on him while I made the transition. I honestly don’t know how long it would take me to find a job, etc.

I haven’t lived with anyone in a very long time. And he lived with a girlfriend during college and had a terrible experience. Last year, I was seeing someone who moved away for a job. He dumped me for someone else after a few months. What scares me the most: that he’ll move on without me around. Or that I will move there and we will realize how incompatible we are and we will be stuck… He’s water – I’m fire.

But, I really like him. And I really want to move out of PA. I don’t know if the two should mix.

What if everything works out great?

I watched the foundation crumble into the sea.

For months. Terrified of being crushed by you.

Only then did I realize: I was strong enough to swim away.

I don’t understand mean anons. It’s bad enough people have to turn to the internet with our insecurities and worst fears, but to be attacked for it, when we are already lower than low?! The world is disgusting enough without your hate.

I know I mess things up a lot. I know I unfairly put pressure on you and complain about how you live your life. That I worry and I’m jealous and I want all of you. But I appreciate your love for me. Your patience with me. How you hold me when I cry and understand my anxiety and all of the problems my brain causes. How you let me do stupid shit and then take care of me when I get sick. I know sometimes it feels like there is no solution to this mess (except for November round two), but nothing mattered more than you holding my face and telling me that you’re not going anywhere. God, I love you.

because everyone’s just waiting to be loved…

"True love is selfless and unconditional. True love knows no boundaries. It is not judgmental, but highly accommodating. The Backstreet Boys sang, “I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, what you do, as long as you love me.” Unconditional love only gives, but does not take anything in return."
"Nothing you become will disappoint me; I have no preconception that I’d like to see you be or do. I have no desire to forsee you, only to discover you. You can’t disappoint me."
— Mary Haskell
"The only way love can last a lifetime is if it’s unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love."
— ― Stephen Kendrick, The Love Dare
"This is what our love is––a sacred pattern of unbroken unity sewn flawlessly invisible inside all other images, thoughts, smells, and sounds."
— ― Aberjhani, The River of Winged Dreams

my new job is amazing.

i just got asked out by two separate gents, and i have a feeling a third guy with a date offer is not too far off. and they’re all sweet and adorable.

and j is in chicago. and s is in akron. and i’m just friends with them. nothing more. and i am not expecting much from either of them, so that’s that. i’m praying they’ll both get caught up in work and fraternity life and forget all about me….

Relationships aren’t one way streets. You have to be willing to give as much as you take.

Can I just say that I would love to have a cuddle buddy. Just someone to fall asleep next to you at night, nothing more. Just so you’re not alone, you’re not cold, and so the night is easier to get through. You lay close and sleep.
I think that would be a great relationship. And probably the sweetest way to fall in love — getting to know such an intimate side of someone.

pepperoni and green peppers.

pepperoni and mushrooms.

tons of cheese.

buffalo chicken.

bacon.

loaded with meat.

barbecue chicken.

garlic sauce.

ranch dressing.

square slices.

triangles.